Dealing with Longstanding Conflicts

Posted on February 21st, 2012 by Nancy Pridgen


In situations where a conflict has been going on for a long time, it is often because one or both parties have been avoiding a true resolution of the problem.  Whether it is because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, risk damaging the relationship, or are just plain fed up in dealing with an annoying issue, people often become complicit in an unacceptable situation because it seems easier than addressing it directly.  The truth of the matter, though, is that unresolved issues rarely go away by themselves.  Usually, they fester and get worse over time so the better approach is to deal with them openly, honestly, and as soon as possible to ensure the relationship doesn’t continue to deteriorate.

 

One of the first steps in addressing a longstanding conflict is to fully evaluate the situation—the background leading up to the conflict, previous conversations, your role in the conflict getting to the place it is today, etc.  Over time, you may have replayed the situation in your mind a thousand times, and it’s likely you’ve made the other person the villain and underplayed any part you may have had in the conflict.  It’s important to realize that in any conflict situation, both parties contribute to the misunderstanding although the contributions may not be of equal weight.  Acknowledging your own contribution to the problem is critical because it communicates to the other person it’s not just about him/her; it’s about you as well.  This, in turn, enables the other party to non-defensively do the same.  Then the problem becomes something more like a pattern you’ve both allowed to happen over time and one which you can now commit to change.

 

The second step is to plan how you’re going to get this relationship back on track.  Review in your mind what has transpired up to this point.  What did you do that seemed to work?  What kept you from communicating more honestly?  What thoughts and emotions did you experience?  What could you do differently this time?  What could you say to make it more “safe” for the other person?

 

In addition to these kinds of “content” issues, it’s also wise to plan from a logistical standpoint.  Do you want to communicate in person, over the phone, or by email?  When and where do you want to have this conversation?  Would it be best to invite the other person to lunch, or just have a private conversation in an office?  Should you describe what you’re thinking and ask the other person if he/she is willing to discuss it with you?  Would a third party be helpful?  Again, it’s best to plan out some of these details rather than just responding off the cuff.

 

Along these same lines, it’s good to practice the actual words you’re going to say and prepare for a myriad of different responses from the other person.  For instance, think about what emotions might arise from the situation.  What if the other person gets angry or cries?  What if he/she refuses to talk?  What are your options then?  Role playing some of these different scenarios helps lay the groundwork for a better conversation.

 

Tips

  • Keep in mind the costs of not addressing the conflict.  Strong relationships often evolve from tackling the tough issues and resolving them, not by avoiding them.
  • Be prepared to apologize for what you’ve done in the past that made the relationship difficult.  Apologies can be a great first step in moving the relationship forward.
  • Be patient.  Understand that the conflict has been going on for some time, and the other party may not immediately respond in the manner you’re expecting.  Allow for some initial defensiveness or confusion, but remain open for further dialogue.

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The Use of Questioning During Conflict

Posted on February 14th, 2012 by Nancy Pridgen

 
Conflicts often begin because people are wedded to their own positions and don’t want to take the time to truly understand someone else’s point of view.  In other words, we spend a lot of effort, time, and energy defending our own agenda or trying to convince other people to change their minds rather than creating a conversation where ideas are truly explored or illuminated.

 Effective questioning during a conflict can change the outcome dramatically because it

  • Promotes better listening
  • Deepens understanding of all the information being presented, and
  • Increases overall learning.

 Listening

Several studies have demonstrated the importance of listening in handling conflicts because nothing makes a person feel more acknowledged, validated, or loved than really being listened to.  When people listen to us to really understand us rather than just for the purpose of articulating their next response, we feel as though our side of the story actually matters, it’s not all about their agenda, and they really care about what we think.

 What better way to prompt ourselves to listen than by asking a question?  Asking a thoughtful question automatically turns the conversation back in the direction of the other person.  Again, instead of advocating support for your own perspective, you’re now in the position of having to listen carefully to the answer, thus opening up the possibility of a follow-up question, and the dialogue continues.

 Understanding

One of the best benefits of asking questions during a conflict is that it shows the other person that you believe there are various ways of approaching the issue—that no one way is absolutely right.  Questioning demonstrates a level of openness and curiosity that is crucial to creating a “shared understanding.”  Imagine the different response you might get from saying, “You definitely should do…” to “I wonder what would happen if you…”.   Asking questions such as “Can you say more about how you see things?” or “Can you explain to me why this is important to you?” deepens understanding from both parties.

 Learning

Finally, questioning leads to multiple exchanges and contributions from both sides, thereby enhancing the overall learning.  When people ask questions of one another and listen to each other’s responses, it deepens the exploration of the topic at hand and new meanings can emerge.  Whether the conversation ends in agreement or not, everyone comes away with new information and clarification.  Asking questions also keeps us from making faulty assumptions, which can immediately shut down further dialogue.

 Tips

  • Ask open-ended questions that generate deeper dialogue.
  • Listen for the purpose of understanding, not to formulate your next response.
  • Approach the conversation with the intent to “learn” rather than “being right.”

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Demeaning Others – An Active Destructive Behavior

Posted on February 6th, 2012 by Craig Runde

 

Have you ever been in a meeting when all of a sudden someone says something that has an edge to it that is directed towards you or another person?  It might not be something that is said – perhaps it is a gesture, like someone rolling their eyes at something you said or laughing at someone else’s argument.  Most people have experienced these kinds of behaviors, and it can make one feel very uncomfortable. In the Conflict Dynamics Profile (CDP) model, this type of behavior is called Demeaning Others.

Why Do People Act in Demeaning Ways

It is interesting that many people are not aware that they are behaving in a way that dismisses or diminishes someone else.  While there are certainly cases where people purposely put someone else down (often in an attempt to boost themselves), it is just as likely that people do not realize they are acting in this way.  Sometimes they will say something negative and only become aware of its toxic quality after they have spoken.

Often these demeaning behaviors arise from suppressed emotions.  A person will become upset about some issue and instead of sharing those feelings with the person with whom they are having the conflict they decide to keep the emotions to themselves. Rarely do the emotions go away just because the person is holding them inside.  The emotions tend to fester and grow over time.  Eventually, they leak out as demeaning behaviors.  Since the emotions can fester for some time, there is usually a period between the initial incident that provokes the emotion and the display of demeaning behaviors.  This make it more difficult and confusing for the person who is on the receiving end of these behaviors.

How to Reduce the Use of Demeaning Behaviors

Since the demeaning behaviors are often driven by underlying negative emotions that have simmered for some time, learning to recognize and address those emotions provides a key strategy for reducing demeaning behaviors.

Being aware of one’s emotional state is a key component of emotional intelligence.  The CDP helps people with this by helping them identify and explore their Hot Buttons.  These are typically behaviors of others that when encountered irritate or upset us.  By recognizing our Hot Buttons, we are less likely to be caught off guard when someone behaves in a way that we are aware upsets us.  This early warning measure allows us to be more aware when we are triggered so we can take steps to keep the emotions from getting out of control.

Once aware of the onset of emotions, a person can then use cooling techniques like centering or cognitive reappraisal to lower the intensity of those emotions.  They can also learn to use the CDP active constructive behavior of Expressing Emotions to share the way they are feeling with the other person.  By sharing how they feel with the other person, they escape the trap of suppressing the emotions which leads to them festering and eventually coming out in destructive ways. People are sometimes reluctant to express their emotions to another for fear of looking weak or perhaps of escalating the conflict.  By using specific techniques like the Situation, Behavior, and Impact (SBI) model used at the Center of Creative Leadership these problems can be overcome.

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Generational Conflict

Posted on February 1st, 2012 by Patricia Viscomi


A couple of recent items caught our attention about generational conflict. Deanna Hartley addressed the subject in an article in the November issue of Talent Management entitled “How to Resolve Generational Conflicts in the Workplace.” In her article Ms. Hartley emphasized the misunderstandings that emerge when people from different generations make assumptions about one another and when they expect people from other generations to necessarily share their own values.

Dr. Rick Voyles, President of the Conflict Resolution Academy, presented on the subject at the Southeastern Summit on Conflict Resolution in Atlanta in September. In his talk Rick contrasted the values of people in the Boomer and Gen X generations. He showed how these values developed from the different situations people experienced in their formative years. He also explained how those value differences can be at the source of many conflicts.

The Millennial generation may be the most diverse. This group is accustomed to quick answers, a constant flow of information, new ideas and immediate gratification. These characteristics can conflict with those of the other generations. While these groups have the capacity to work very well together, the differences can be a hinderance. Awareness is a first step to uncovering ways to see differences as a potential strength as opposed to a stumbling block.

While generational conflict presents a new perspective on workplace issues, many of the approaches for addressing it are similar to those used with other forms of conflict. As Ms. Hartley mentions in her article, people need to take time to listen to one another in order to better understand the nature of their differences.

When members of teams coming from different generations find themselves in conflict, it is a good idea to slow things down and begin to listen more closely to one another. In fact, it is important for the team to develop norms for how they want to handle conflicts regardless of the source. People need to feel safe in discussing issues with one another. Spending time getting to know one another as people can help build trust and enable people to give one another the benefit of the doubt when differences are raised.

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Spotlight on… Susan Gunn

Posted on January 30th, 2012 by Patricia Viscomi


Name:   Susan Gunn
Title:    Owner
Company:    Working Dynamics
City:   Richmond, VA
Web site:   www.workdyn.com
Phone:    804-353-9527
Years in this position:   13
Years in conflict training:  13

 What inspired you to pursue a career in coaching, training or consulting?

 I was working in the field of university career development in the early 1990’s when I became familiar with mediation. I became very excited about workplace mediation and its potential for leaders and teams. I started working then toward a career using mediation skills along with my counseling and professional development background. My actual move to owning my own conflict management business was a good eight years later after spending time building skills in workplace mediation and learning more through training classes and coursework.  By the time I formed my consulting business in 1999, I knew resolving workplace disputes would be part of my work going forward, but not the entire focus. I broadened the focus to include assessment, training, and coaching in order to work with leaders and teams helping them address conflict early and with confidence and skill.

 What do you like most about your career?

 Being able to work alongside others as they grow and learn is probably what I like most.  Whether I’m mediating, coaching, training, or consulting, I consider it an honor to be welcomed into others’ growth process. That aspect of my work is always gratifying. I also enjoy the independence and control that comes with running my own business.

 How do you measure your success? 

A couple of signs of professional success for me are the awareness my efforts have helped someone achieve their goals (awareness on my part and/or recognition from the individual) and knowing I’ve given my all on a difficult challenge. As a business owner, I feel successful if I see opportunities ahead and if I’m reaching the financial goals I’ve set for myself.

 How do you stay on top of your field? 

I try to take in as much new information on conflict as I can find time (reading, listening to speakers, conversations with colleagues, etc.). I’m always trying to learn new and more effective ways to deliver what I know and consider myself a continual learner in terms of being the best trainer and coach possible.

 What other resources do you recommend? (Books, magazines, web, etc.)

 I’m finding resources on the topics of mindfulness and practices that reduce stress interesting and ones my clients respond to. I find being able to help others be more aware in the moment and less reactive helps them. On my bedside table now are Man’s Search for Meaning (Viktor Frankl), Buddhism, Plain and Simple (Steve Hagen), Three Deep Breaths (Thomas Crum), and Conflict Management Coaching (Cinnie Noble).

 Tell us about a time/situation where you witnessed or were able to help an organization achieve a positive/constructive conflict resolution.

 I worked intensively with a hospital Surgical Services department for close to a year. At the start of the project, employees and leaders reported cliques, gossip, blaming, withholding information, abrasive comments, blow ups, resentment, and talking behind others backs. With increasing tension and mounting issues, the leadership team had become less confident and more reactive. The CDP (the CDP 360 and coaching for the leadership team and CDP-I and training for all team members) was the catalyst for understanding and culture change for this team. The work was intensive; the shift was gradual. At the end of the year, employees started handling conflicts with co-workers directly and leaders were visibly relaxed, confident, and reported fewer complaints, greater collaboration, and a decrease in tension.

 What has been most successful for you when selling CDP or BCC?

 I’m not usually successful selling a tool itself. I’m vastly more successful when I present a solution for a person or organization.  When a person or team is struggling with the ill-effects of conflict, I feel very confident recommending the CDP knowing the unique awareness and learning the CDP can provide for those who want a change. From my experience, the CDP along with coaching and/or training have been particularly helpful for persons, teams, and organizations that are conflict avoidant and want to gain the confidence and skills to engage constructively in conflict.

 What trends or changes are you seeing in workplace conflict? What do you think is the cause?

 Various factors we are all very familiar with – layoffs, more work for the remaining workers, unemployment, more pressure to produce/succeed, fear of losing one’s job, long-term economic stability, etc. – have put a tremendous amount of pressure on today’s workforce and leaders. We know the many negative impacts of this increased stress. One positive impact I think I’m seeing is leaders becoming more open about the presence of conflict in their workplaces. While the cost to the leader for putting his or her head in the sand and saying “we don’t have conflict here” might not have been great before, it surely is now. If today’s economic crisis and its many stressors result in just a few more leaders becoming more willing to discuss conflict in their organizations and address it, that is obviously a positive change.

 What do you think is the biggest mistake companies make when dealing with conflict?

 Companies make a huge mistake when they don’t anticipate conflict and have a plan in place for leaders and employees to respond to conflict skillfully and with confidence. All too often, companies are short sighted and wait until intervention is unavoidable and after a lot of damage has been done. Not preparing leaders and employees with self-awareness and skills to manage conflict they experience at work is a costly mistake for companies.

 If you could give companies one piece of advice regarding conflict resolution, what would it be?

 Consider how conflict fits with your organizational values and how it impacts your culture – how will it enhance your business and how can it hurt your company’s success? Then, look at how you can use that information to create a culture that encourages constructive conflict and next equip your employees with awareness and skills so they can use conflict for good.

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Putting Out Fires

Posted on January 27th, 2012 by Randy Keirn

 I’d rather run into a burning building than deal with conflict.  This is a reality for many of my fellow firefighters also.  To be fair, I should tell you that most firefighters would rather run into a burning building than do a lot of other things.  I’ll also set the record straight that risking injury and possible death as an option over dealing with conflict IS extremely excessive.  The simple point is that for many of us conflict is unpleasant so we would rather avoid it. 

Before learning effective ways of managing conflict, I would often avoid conflict and that only made things worse.  My memories of those early conflicts as a newly promoted Officer are still vivid even though they occurred about 15 years ago.  I felt so uncomfortable, had frequent headaches, an upset stomach, and truly felt helpless.  I am still shocked that my crew would blatantly break rules in front of me and even challenge me directly.  I now believe that they were just testing me to see how I would respond, which I have come to believe is a common team dynamic.  Many of my peers have shared similar stories of being challenged and they often responded by avoiding it or by lashing out, which also makes things worse.

Dealing with conflict is similar to a building on fire.  Like conflict, fires are much easier to put out while they are still small.  When avoided, both continue to grow causing greater destruction.  When fires reach flashover, which is an extremely dangerous stage of the fire where everything ignites at once, everything is lost and there are no survivors.  If we were going to continue with the comparisons, a relevant phrase regarding this stage of conflict might be ‘going Postal’.  The consequences of conflict can be as dangerous as a fire.  

It has been said that Fire Departments don’t hire heroes; we train them to be heroes.  As a whole, we do a pretty good job preparing our firefighters and Fire Officers to fight fires and save lives.  But like most organizations, we needed to do a better job in preparing our current and future leaders to deal with conflict effectively.  With that in mind, we reached out to and collaborated with the Center for Conflict Dynamics at Eckerd College.  As a result, a one day program utilizing the Conflict Dynamics Profile and realistic role playing scenarios was developed for current and future leaders.  Over a hundred firefighters and Fire Officers throughout Florida have participated in the program.

We followed up with many of the participants and were consistently told that they were able to utilize what they had learned.  For example, participants improved their ability to control their tempers using delayed responding and breathing techniques before engaging constructively in conflict.  Most importantly they learned how to listen to the other persons’ perspective.  All of this is evidence of the program’s success.  We’re not going to stop running into burning buildings, but it won’t be because we are trying to avoid conflict.

 

Randy Keirn, MPA, BSN, EMT-P

District Chief – Lealman Fire District
President – Fully Involved Consulting, Inc
2010 Florida State Fire Instructor of the Year

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Leadership, Conflict, and Authenticity

Posted on January 27th, 2012 by Nancy Pridgen

 As the 2012 election gets closer, many political commentators have identified “authenticity” as a critical attribute for potential candidates.  When it comes to leadership and conflict, what is “authenticity,” and why is it so important?

 The dictionary describes “authenticity” as “genuine” or “real.”  In other words, it means being true to who you really are, knowing your values, and living them out consistently.  In a world filled with new media and widespread access to data, people are constantly being bombarded with all kinds of messages.  It’s no wonder everyone craves knowing what is really true and trustworthy about a person.

 This is particularly the case when dealing with colleagues.  Authenticity is the cornerstone of establishing trust in any relationship, and trust affects everything from communication to productivity.  Without it, relationships break down, and collaboration becomes impossible.

 When conflict is involved, it’s important that you engage with the other person in a way that is consistent with your personality and character.  Ideally, you will have had a pattern of integrity over the years where being direct, open, and straightforward is not only accepted, but welcomed.  Don’t be afraid to acknowledge your weaknesses; a certain amount of transparency and vulnerability often deepens a relationship rather than having the opposite effect.  Also, understanding yourself, knowing what makes you tick, and communicating to the other person what you really think rather than what you think they want to hear will go a long way in solving the problem at hand and establishing a trusting relationship for the future.

 Tips for Ensuring Authenticity During a Conflict

  • Know yourself (values, passion, purpose) and behave consistently.
  • Listen to others, be attentive to their side of the issue, and pursue connection on multiple levels.
  • Show appreciation and respect even though you might disagree.
  • Be responsive to feedback, and always leave the door open for further dialogue.

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Book Review: Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY Model

Posted on January 24th, 2012 by Patricia Viscomi

In her new book, Conflict Management Coaching: The Cinergy™ Model, Cinnie Noble delivers a highly practical approach to conflict coaching, which is backed up by deep insights from the fields of coaching, alternative dispute resolution, and neuroscience. Her approach to conflict coaching emerged from her personal research with study groups and refinement of techniques in the late 1990s. More recently, her work has incorporated advances in emotional intelligence.

The book presents both conceptual approaches to conflict coaching and highly practical tips for managing the process. One of the major concepts is what Noble calls The (Not So) Merry Go Round of Conflict. This visual and descriptive analysis describes evolving stages of both the intra-personal and interpersonal elements of conflict. It helps people understand how conflict typically unfolds for individuals and helps coaches enable their clients to deconstruct conflicts so they can become better aware of the dynamics involved in the situation from both their perspective and that of the other person.

The second major concept is the CINERGY™ model which presents a seven step approach for coaches to use to focus on clients’ conflict management goals. The model clearly underscores Noble’s belief that “it is up to clients to make their own discoveries and choose the optimal way forward that meets their needs and desired outcomes.”

Noble’s book also provides specific guidance on practical aspects of conflict coaching including client intake, ethical guidelines, evaluation, and specific coaching applications. Readers will appreciate the chapter on conflict coaching skills which gives helpful tips for improving a coach’s abilities as well as clients’ experiences. The book also provides an in-depth look at emerging field of managing emotions in conflict settings. As this field develops further, one will look forward to seeing even more tips for helping coaches engage their clients in this challenging area.

This book serves as a wonderful resource book for those who are already involved in conflict coaching, as well as for those who are considering this path. It can help coaches improve both their personal ability to manage conflict and their ability to help others.

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The Value of Managing Conflict Effectively

Posted on January 4th, 2012 by Craig Runde

Organizations want to know what kind of return on investment can come from improving their managers’ and employees’ ability to handle conflict effectively.  It is a similar question to those asked about other types of training.  In the case of conflict, the answer is easier to give.

Cost Savings

The Dana Mediation Institute’s Organizational Cost of Conflict Measure provides an excellent tool for analyzing the out of pocket costs of conflict (www.mediationworks.com/  ).  It categorizes a number of cost factors related to conflict and provides a means of estimating these costs for an organization.  Some of the key costs include managerial time spent on conflict, employee retention, absenteeism, and legal costs.

The Dana measure helps organizations quantify this cost by asking about the amount of time typically spent by managers on conflict, average manager salary and benefits, and the number of managers in an organization.  Even using conservative figures, most organizations find that the costs are very substantial.  A number of studies over the past thirty years have asked managers about the percentage of their time they spend dealing with conflict.  The numbers consistently fall in the 20-40% range.  Improved conflict management skills won’t completely eliminate this number but it can certainly reduce it.

One of the most significant reasons for employees leaving a job is ongoing conflict with a supervisor or with colleagues.  When factoring in the costs of finding a replacement and bringing the new person up to speed, such turnover can be expensive.

When employees experience distressing conflict at work, some will respond by staying away.  This avoiding behavior can take the form of absenteeism which hurts overall productivity.  Perhaps even more problematic is presenteeism, where the employee comes to work but isn’t effectively because they are obsessing about the problems, talking with colleagues about it, and avoiding interactions with those with whom they are having the conflict.

Many times the most visible signs of conflict come in the form of grievances or lawsuits.  These more formal responses to conflict often occur after a time of build up where issues could have been addressed more easily.  Once the more formal mechanisms are used, the costs of resolving the conflict goes up dramatically.

Improving Outcomes

While people usually think about cost savings first, the bigger benefits of effective conflict management come from improved creativity, enhanced decision quality, and superior implementation.  While these elements are harder to quantify, they are so fundamental to organizational success that they provide even larger benefits than just cost savings.

When people are able to robustly debate issues, one idea can lead to another and generate new understandings that would otherwise have been missed.  Research has shown that improve creativity and innovation can be linked to effective us e of conflict at least in situations involve novel, non-routine issues.

Decision quality is improved when ideas are rigorously vetted and challenges.  Flaws that might have been missed If people avoid debating issue are found and optimal solutions are developed.  When people have taken part in this debate, they are more likely to support implementation of a particular solution even though it might not be their preferred one.  This is because they have felt that their ideas have been considered and that they have been involved in seeking a solution.  For more commentary on improved outcomes of well managed conflict, we suggest Michael Roberto’s book, Why Great Leaders Don’t Take Yes for an Answer.

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Slowing Down and Reflecting on Conflict

Posted on December 7th, 2011 by Craig Runde

                 Conflict can become very chaotic.  Emotions run high, facts are slippery, and communications can stop.  When tensions are running high and things feel like they are spinning out of control, the best thing to do is STOP.  While we might feel compelled to talk louder to make our point, it is exactly in these confusing, upsetting times that it is best to take a time out to cool down and get a better sense of what is happening before proceeding.

Cooling Down

                The Conflict Dynamics Profile (CDP)behavior of Delay Responding focuses on the emotional side of slowing things down.  When a person is feeling upset it is easy to default into using destructive behaviors.  This is the time to take a break and use the time to calm down before proceeding.  A number of techniques like centering, cognitive reappraisal, and mindfulness can be used to help cool down and regain emotional balance.  When negative emotions subside it becomes easier to explore what is happening in the conflict.

Reflection

                The CDP also uses a constructive behavior known as reflective thinking to address conflict.  This involves considering the pros and cons of different approaches to conflict.  In the Becoming Conflict Competent (BCC) course, this is approach is accomplished by determining who is involved in the conflict, how they view the situation, how the parties related to one another, and what the interests are of each of the parties.  Unless the interests of all of the parties are being acknowledged and counted, it is very difficult to develop effective resolutions.

                Reflection also includes enhancing self-awareness about how we are experiencing a conflict.  The Center’s Becoming Conflict Competent course uses a process called the Information Wheel®,  developed by Dr. Sherod Miller, to help participants better understand what is happening in a conflict.  This includes reflecting on what they have been doing in the conflict, what they have seen or heard,  how they have been thought about the conflict, what emotions they have experienced, and what they want out of the conflict for themselves and others. 

                When working with participants we find that they are usually able to describe what actions they have been taking in the conflict.  They can also do a good job describing what they have seen or heard and how they have interpreted it.

                They often have more difficulty describing their emotions.  The CDP behavior of Expressing Emotions suggests that this is a constructive approach, but people feel intimidated to do so.  Yet, conflict is all about emotions so reflecting on the feelings one has can add valuable understanding about why we may be behaving in certain ways.

                Most people are able to describe what they want for themselves in a conflict.  It is much more difficult to decide what, if anything, they might want for the other person.  Yet, we find when people are able to want something for the other person that they want for themselves, it can help lead to breakthroughs.  Hence, the Platinum Rule of Conflict Management is: “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.”

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