Let’s examine each of these in more detail.  If you know ahead of time that you’re going to be engaged in a conversation that could get heated, one of the best things to do is to prepare in advance.  Think about the other person’s position, and do your best to truly understand his/her point of view.  Remind yourself to keep your emotions in check, and ask a lot of information-seeking questions.  If, despite early preparation, the conversation still becomes adversarial, breathe.  Breathing deeply helps you to calm down in a way where you can really listen rather than focusing on our own points.  If the conversation remains charged, you may want to postpone it until a later time when you’re not as angry.  Use this time-out to reflect, first on your own emotions, and then the content of the conversation.  What is it that you’re really feeling?  Anger? Frustration?  Confusion?  It’s important to get in touch with our own emotions and what’s driving them before addressing what’s actually being said in the conversation.  Also, put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and really work to understand why from behind their eyes, you might appear to be behaving in a destructive way.  Then, at a later time, go back and try again. 

When you don’t know enough or care enough about the other person’s position, it’s critical that you have a mindset of authentic curiosity, rather than judgment, along with the assumption of positive intent on the part of the other person.  Many times when we’re faced with information that is in total opposition to our view of reality, our knee-jerk reaction is to jump in, interrupt, and defend.  Instead, this is the time when we most need to slow down, ask questions, and make a genuine  attempt at “learning to understand.”  Useful questions to ask include:

• “Can you say more about how you see things?”
• “Help me understand your side of it.”
• “Say more about why this is important to you.”

Summarizing and rephrasing the other person’s position lets him/her know that you really do understand and moves the conversation forward.
As mentioned before, when conversations get heated, we focus so much on our own ideas that Perspective Taking doesn’t even occur to us.  There might be signals in your own behavior that prompt you to think about it.  For instance, if you find yourself interrupting frequently, or you’re thinking too much about what you’re going to say next, then that might be a sign to step back and take another approach.  Keeping a list of tips (see below) close at hand on your desk serves as a good reminder.  Most importantly, practice these skills any opportunity you have so that, eventually, they’ll become more of a habit rather than a chore.

We find it useful to think in terms of three factors when considering Perspective Taking:  the process of the conversation, tips to keep in mind, and questions to consider asking the other person to enhance mutual understanding.

Dynamic Process

1. Mentally put yourself in the other’s place and work to understand his/her point of view, motivation, and reaction to the conflict.
2. Reframe “That’s a ridiculous point of view” to “I wonder why she/he thinks that.”
3. Examine the flaws/weaknesses of your own position.
4. Ask open-ended questions.
5. Solicit examples to clarify issues.
6. Rephrase, restate, or summarize what you think has been said.

Tips

1. Assume the other person has positive intentions.
2. Empathize and let the other person know when you understand and when you don’t.
3. Let the speaker finish.  Never interrupt.

Questions

1. Can you say more about how you see things?
2. How do you see it differently?
3. What impact have my actions had on you?
4. Say more about why this is important to you.
5. What would you do in my shoes?